The Verdant Dude

Once again it is Final Girl Film Club time!  This time it is Italian zombies and plenty of them in Andrea Bianchi's Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror.



So there is this dude who could give Rasputin a run for his money in a best beard contest who goes mucking about in an Italian archeological dig site (in retrospect, probably not a good idea) and gets accosted by Italian zombies.  You could tell they were Italian by their love of red wine/blood and their attitude.  You can also probably guess the outcome, but since this review is filled with spoilers I will help you out.  Ciao, Rasputin!

This was the remarkable/unremarkable first few minutes of the film.  We have no idea what he found or why it triggered the Italian zombie attack.  All I know is that it was followed by a very lighthearted mid-60's jazz theme song.  Only out of place because the film was made in 1981.

The light jazz ends and the action quickly shifts to three couples, including a boy wearing some very bright red pants, arriving at their summer home which is conveniently situated near the dig site.  The boy, who looks a lot lot Rachel Dratch from SNL fame, is a bit bugged out by the late-night visit from his mother (see the screen-cap above).  But we are going to have to get into that a little later on.  And I'm going to get tired of typing "creepy Rachel Dratch kid" so let's call him CRDK from now on.  Okay? Okay.  Hooray, acronyms!

"You look just like a little whore.  But I like that in a girl."  The gratuitous nudity showed up at that the nine and a half minute mark on the DVD.  Well done!  This would be couple #2 who are getting it on, but "something" wakes up CRDK.  So he sleepwalks his way into the bedroom where the gratuitous nudity is taking place, but, due to some nifty editing, it is now his parents who are making of the love.  Mom barely covers herself up as the kid lets out a baleful "Mama!"

You can tell this kid's got issues.  I wonder where that is gonna lead?

After an uncomfortable morning breakfast, Couple #3 decide to get it on in the gardens of the villa only to be interrupted pre-coitus by the shambling undead.  There is a slow-moving Italian zombie in loose clothing behind every shrub, or so it appears.

"Mother, this cloth...smells of death!"  Cut to an artist studio or museum or something like that attached to the villa.  Mama, Papa and CRDK are practicing shooting things with Papa's pistol when they are rudely interrupted by Italian zombies.  Papa shoots a bunch of ineffective holes in the torsos of the zombies before eventually succumbing to their attack.  Apparently he forgot to watch any of George Romero's zombie films before weekending at the villa.  He would have known to aim for the head.  It, of course, would be his undoing.  Ciao, Papa!

Back to couple #2, who are making out in the gardens by a fountain.  These Italians sure are horny.  More Italian zombies show up. Maybe it is sex they are attracted to.  Like serial killers in the slasher movies of the early 80's.  And I'm beginning to notice that these Italian zombies are really into earth tones.  A little sky blue or bright yellow couldn't hurt, could it?  Couple #2 run from the slow-moving killers and we cut back to couple #3 who have been slowed down by an iron wolf trap in the front yard.  A wolf trap.  In the front yard.  Amazing plot twist.

But couple #2 saves them with the aid of some small boulders.  They bash the Italian zombie's brains in.  They just bash 'em right the fuck in!  Ciao, Italian zombies!

The mother and CRDK are still in a spot of jam in the house, though.  Amid what appears to be some very nice Etruscan artifacts, they discover another way of stopping these zombies.  Fire. This requires dousing them in paint and then running up to them with a lighter or lit match.  Sounds kind of dangerous to me.  Especially since they decide not to, ya know, run away from the burning Italian zombies.  They just cower in the corner until the flammable undead collapses just out of reach of them.  I'm not so sure this is really the way to fight Italian zombies, but it seemed to work for them.  Ciao, Italian zombies!

We soon discover that these aren't your garden-variety brainless Italian zombies.  No sir.  They manage to dispatch the maid by throwing some kind of spike into her hand and lopping her head off with a scythe.  So they use tools.  Like our early pre-historic simian ancestors.  I'm starting to develop quite a bit of respect for these Italian zombies.  Ciao, maid!

The mustachioed male half of couple #2, who in fact may be a younger version of the Most Interesting Man in the World, discovers the headless body of the maid hanging out of a window.  He promptly lifts up her skirt and ravishes her right then and there.  Okay...not really.  But it would almost have fit in with the brainy Italian zombies and the wolf trap in the front yard.  He does check out her ass like he is thinking about it, though.  So I'm not totally blowing smoke up yer coolie.  To assuage his guilt he throws her headless body to the swanky flesh-eaters waiting below.  What a dick!

The remaining survivors now must defend the villa against the tool-weilding, earth-tone wearing, brainy Italian zombies.  Some make it, some don't.  That's how these flicks work.  I especially enjoyed the scene when the mother of CRDK defends him by whacking away at the fiends with a sword that happened to be lying around.  Lots of weapons just lying around in this villa. 

CRDK is so relieved to be alive that he starts macking on his own mother! 

Holy fucking shit! 

He starts kissing her and feeling her up and generally trying to get up her in her business!  I just knew this kid had Mommy issues.  I just didn't realize that it was that kind of Mommy issues.  Wow.  Just wow.  She rebuffs his advances, of course.  Even if he weren't her son, he fucking looks like Rachel Dratch!  So he runs into the arms of the next woman he can find.  The next Italian zombie woman.  Should have let him get his freak on, Mom.  Ciao, CRDK!

Don't worry, though.  We haven't seen the last of CRDK.  He is now creepy Rachel Dratch Italian zombie kid or CRDIZK, for short.  CRDIZK wants a piece of his Mommy in the worst way, if you catch my drift.  Not even death can stop this horny kid from going after his Mommy's tit.  That's some kind of crazy urge.

You wanna know the creepiest thing about CRDK?  He wasn't really a kid.  He was played by a 26-year old creepy Italian midget named Peter Bark.  Now you don't have to feel so bad if you kinda were into those creepy Italian incest scenes.  Sickos!

All in all, I would have to say that this was the finest incest-laden, awful special effects, bad makeup, incomprehensible Italian zombie movie I have ever seen.

Ciao, Final Girl Film Club!

Note: Remember to play the Bug-Eyed Trivia Challenge every day. I'm pretty sure I wasn't drunk or high when I was watching and reviewing this.  But I'm not gonna give any guarantees.  Ciao!

OK, it's a day early since her birthday is tomorrow. But we have been celebrating all weekend long anyway.

Happy Birthday! I love you, baby!

You can celebrate by re-reading the little tale of a boy who hands his girl a giant cock in front of a bunch of strangers. Yay!

PS - Happy Actual Birthday to Becky!

Note: Remember to play the Bug-Eyed Trivia Challenge every day. Gia rocks.

OK, I promised a recap and some pictures from the concert the other night. So here goes.

First, the link I provided yesterday to the home page for The Paper Bag wasn't working. Now it is.  The Paper Bag, by the way, is both the name of the show and the band. A group of upwards of 70 local musicians who meet once a year to party their balls off. Gia, recently, is one of them. She sings with a group of women called the Cheese Calzones, who appropriately bring the cheese. Crazy outfits, crazy hair and crazy antics are their forte. The past two years, Gia has had her own solo with the rest of the Calzones backing her up.

This year's Bag was a tribute to Woodstock (40 years) and Motown (50 years). Peace, love, music and all that dope.  Gia and the Calzones were given "Be My Baby" by the Ronettes as their song this year.  And she had a little surprise for the event.

She wanted a little gimmick for the evening, so we went out that day and purchased the biggest dildo that she could find at the local Adult Shop.


That mother-fucker had to be a foot and half long and twenty pounds if it was an ounce.  Luckily, I'm packing my own heat so I wasn't too jealous of it's size.

Here are the cats playing with it to give it's sheer massiveness the proper perspective.  I'll explain the drawing on it in a bit.


They looked intrigued, don't they?

OK.  So the thought was that they would begin the song and then shortly afterward she would approach me at the front of the stage as if she were singing it to me.  Then I would hand her the monster dildo and she would sing "Be My Baby" to the dildo very lovingly for the rest of the act.

I was a bit apprehensive.  The show was packed and I had to work my way through the crowd carrying this massive concealed weapon just to get to the front of the stage.  I nudged a few people out of the way with it.  Had to.  And at just the right time...I whipped it out!  From under a shirt I was carrying, of course.  The crowd loved it!  The guy next to me watched the events with his hands over his eyes.  The woman next to me watched the events with lust in her eyes.  You know the drill.

As for the drawing, Gia drew the cartoon face of the organizer of the show onto it as a tribute to the man.  If you click on that Paper Bag link above you will see the caricature that I am talking about.  It got a little smudgy (from the show, people!), but I think it came out pretty cool.


So yeah, I handed my woman a giant cock that she sang a love song to in front of about 1,500 people (just guessing...it was jam-packed!).

Yeah.

Note: Remember to play the Bug-Eyed Trivia Challenge every day. I can't help but be impressed by the size of your wang.

It was pretty damned late when we got home last night after Gia's super successful night on stage. She rocked. I rolled. I will write about it and maybe even post a pic tomorrow.

Right now I'm just sitting here freaked out about Michael Jackson's kids.

Are they genetically-bred monsters ready to feast on our souls? I think they might be. 

PS - I don't care if that is mean.  I really don't care about them or their "father" at all.  I'm just a little tired, okay?  Okay.


Note: Remember to play the Bug-Eyed Trivia Challenge every day. What the hell is Goofy?

There are many things that I would miss if I ever moved from this area. But I would have to put great bagels up near the top of that list.

You see, you can't go a mile in any direction around here without running into a bagel shop. And 9 times out of 10, it's a great bagel shop. That's what Long Island does. That's ALL Long Island does!

But there are the random shitty bagel shops that needs to be avoided. Maybe the bagels don't taste as good. Maybe the service sucks. Maybe the person who owns it is a complete asshole.

I know of such a joint. Well, I know of a few. But this is about one that I encountered yesterday. I've been there before and I always come away with the same reaction. Feh. And it always seems like it is much more expensive than your normal bagel joint.  So I try to avoid it.

Yesterday I had to go get some dry cat food at the pet store early in the morning.  I asked Gia if she wanted some coffee and a bagel and she said that she did.  So I was gonna go to the pet store in one direction and then go the bagel shop I like in the other direction.  Even though there was this bad bagel store in the same strip mall as the pet store.  That's how much I normally tried to avoid it.

But in an extreme act of laziness, I decided to just go to bad bagel store instead.  I order 3 bagels, a 1/2 pound of cream cheese and a couple of coffees.  Now, for those of you who aren't aware.  Bagels generally cost around $1.00 - $1.25.  And a 1/2 pound of cream cheese goes for about $4.00.  So I put a twenty on the counter as the asshole who runs the place looks up and says "Um...that'll be $13.00."

Now I place this same order a lot at the bagel store I usually give my business to, and it usually anywhere from $9.00 - $10.00.  What can I say?  Bagel shops are imperfect businesses.  So I'm trying to add it up in my head and I was just gonna let it go.  Then I turned around and looked for a board with prices.  There wasn't any.  So I politely asked "Excuse me, how does that add up to $13.00?"

And he got pissed at me!  Started yelling and slobbering and gesticulating in an incoherent fashion.  I can only assume he was giving me a rundown of what each item cost, but none of it was making sense.  And I was getting mad because he was getting mad at me. And I know I was only getting ripped off by something like $3.00, but it's generally the little things that really get your goat every now and again.  I know that he was just making up whatever price he wanted.  That's why he doesn't post his prices.

So I waved him off, called his shop overpriced, called him a fucking hack (made sense at the time) and stormed out of there.  Never...EVER...to return.

And you know what?  It felt pretty good.  Maybe I just needed to let off a little steam.

On a lighter note, Gia is once again going to be a rock star tonight at this concert.  She has her own solo again this year.  Last year, she brought down the house with a version of "Bad Girls" that kicked ass.  Tonight she will be singing "Be My Baby" by the Ronettes and singing backup vocals for most of the rest of the night.  Maybe an impomptu duet or something as well.  The party goes until almost 4AM.

So if you are reading this when it posts, I will be doing the Old Folks Boogie and celebrating my woman.

If you are reading this sometime during the day on Wednesday, I will be hungover.




Note: Remember to play the Bug-Eyed Trivia Challenge every day. And you know that you're over the hill.  When your mind makes a promise that your body can't fill.

As I've mentioned before, Wolowitz is an interesting cat.

I figured that since I posted a pic last week of his sister and his brother from another mother (Gogo and Avery), it was time to give the odd boy his due.

He loves laundry-time.  I'm not so sure he is really interested in helping out or if he just thinks that the color of the laundry basket matches the color of his eyes.


He also loves the water fountain that we bought him.  Except he likes to come it from an odd angle.  The "up top" angle.  This leads to a slight bout of choking as the water goes down the wrong pipe, but he still does it anyway.  Notice the tongue.


Some of his other tricks in the bag that we have yet to capture on film:

• He loves hiding in either the washing machine or the dryer when we turn our backs.  One of these day he is gonna get either soaked or fluffed if we aren't careful.
• He has much too much fun with the changing of the sheets on the bed.  He likes to "help out" by hiding under the fitted sheet or the top sheet, basically preventing you from making the bed.  
• Because of that, I had Gia gather them all up in the other room while I made the bed a while back.  She closed the door and I don't believe any of the kittens had ever seen a closed door before.  Gogo and Avery tried to get under the door, in vain.  But Wolowitz looks at the door, looks at Gia, then looks back and the door and figures it out.  He reaches up and puts one paw on each side of the door knob and, ya know...tries to fucking open the door!  I shit you not.  He was unsuccessful, by the way.  No opposable thumbs.
• Wolowitz loves an empty box more than life itself.  Gia does a lot of internet shopping.  When something gets delivered he literally shivers in anticipation of the box being empty soon.  So he can hang in it.  And he just sits there and purrs.  Hysterical!
• But his favorite thing in the world?  Bugs.  Spiders, flies, whatever.  He loves "playing" with them.  Earlier today he was going nuts over a fly that had got in the house somehow.  He caught it...in his mouth!  Then he walked into the living room and let it out, where it flew away in an erratic path.  All so he could catch it again.  You really haven't lived until you have seen a housefly escape your cat's mouth.
  

 And finally, he will often just get right in your fucking face.  Because he can.


Deal with it. - Earl



Note: Remember to play the Bug-Eyed Trivia Challenge every day. Still trying to catch a photo of him in belly time.

The bacon-infused bourbon was even better this time around than the first time I made it.

I think the key was doing the fat infusion process twice. The first time around I wasn't getting that smoky bacon aroma that it should have had. I had reserved a few ounces of bacon fat just in case, so I did it again. That was the key, I believe.

Gia said the Old Fashioned I made with the bourbon tasted just like PDT's version. The rest of the gang at the party agreed that it was one of the coolest cocktails they ever tried.

I rock so very much. ;)




Note: Remember to play the Bug-Eyed Trivia Challenge every day. Nice butt.